A Brief Moment in the Life of Heero Yuy
by Cozzybob
Summary: An extremely old ficlet that was my very first attempt at Heero's POV. Reposting. -- Heero contemplates the meaning to his life on the way back from a mission.


**A Brief Moment in the Life of Heero Yuy**  
by cozzybob

**Pair: **meant to be gen, but 1-2 is very possible, as well as an even slighter 1-R.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. Nothing new.**  
Archive:** Yes, please. I'll link you back, just tell me so I can.  
**Warning: **language, umm... dark stuff? Nothing major. I think.

**Note: **Extremely old, extremely bad. My very first attempt at Heero's POV. Yes... it's really that old. ;)

* * *

The man I had just killed laid in my palm hugging a beautiful little blonde girl in dark kakis and a white shirt. He was in the heaven a father must have when he inhales the scent of his daughter's life. His daughter wore a smile on her face, the very essence of morning dew. There was a glitter of childhood in her eyes in the way that I've never really known before. I could be considered a child like her... but what exactly is a child? I held them both in my hands and studied them. An old photo. It seemed poetic.

The man I killed was a father. I buried that thought deep in my gut and walked away with careful determination. I'm an assassin, a soldier, and I can't feel these emotions. It was my mission to kill that man. I don't know what he did or why they wanted him, but it was unimportant to know and I was not raised to care about it. They gave me the orders and I fulfilled them. That is my life.

_Some life. Yuy, you're such a hypocrite._

"Shut up." Great. Cursing the voices in my head. I've lost my mind. Yes, I think Duo would say that I didn't just lose it, I've never had it in the first place. He might be right, now that I think about it. What the hell _is_ a mind, other than something to waste? Even great minds decay in the end. Most genius innovations are little more than mistakes.

I am a mistake and an innovation. My name is Heero Yuy and I'm a killer. A terrorist. A Gundam pilot. A perfect soldier. I took the name of a pacifist. I can only assume that the real Yuy damns me to hell for blackening such a name. When I die, that man will curse me for all eternity.

Follow your emotions, I've said. What use do I have for emotions? I'm a fool to my own game. My life is little more than a laughingstock. My masks are made of glass. I can't fool one simple silver-spooned wealthy girl. I said I'd kill her. I meant to, but I haven't and I know that in the end, I won't. My emotions won't let me. She appeals to me, that girl. She knows me. She's broken my masks. I can't kill her now, but a part of me wants to. Which emotion shall I follow?

_Just take a pick, Yuy. Both yellow brick roads lead to OZ. _

"I said shut up." This isn't helping. Maybe I need sleep. Maybe I've finally cracked. Mission after mission after mission can't be healthy on the mind. Even a perfect soldier has his limits. Right?

Damn J. Damn him.

Damn them all to hell. I'm too weak for this. I don't know what to think anymore. I've killed a father. A mother. Children. I've killed children in my life. My hands are beyond stained. They are soaked.

Quatre could see that something was wrong when I left. I don't know how, but he did. His concern still pricks the back of my mind.

_Heero? Are you alright?  
No._

And then he eyed me with that deep emotional stare, the one that exposes your character for what it really is. I could never successfully lie to Quatre. Not when he does that.

_What's wrong?  
Life.  
Heero?  
No._

For some reason, he understood. He wouldn't leave me alone.

_Please. Don't do this._

How he knew, I don't know. I guess it was plainly written all over my face. Well... as plain as it could get. I remember turning to Zero, and hearing steps come closer. For a minute I thought they were Quatre, but when I turned again I saw a very angry Duo standing in front of me, his eyes spilling fire. Quatre was gone. Duo's like that. He can stalk a stalker.

But he punched me. Hard.

_What the hell are you planning, Heero? Don't even think about it.  
Leave me alone.  
Fuck you, Heero. Listen to me. Don't.  
I said leave me alone.  
I'm not leaving you.  
Leave.  
No._

Silence. I stared at him, contemplating on either killing him or just simply beating the living hell out of him.

_Stubborn jackass.  
What do you want, Duo?  
I want you to promise me something solid.  
What?  
You're gonna SD aren't you?_

Self-destruct. How am I supposed to answer that one? "Why yes, Duo honey. I'm going to kill myself today, would you like to join me? It's fun, dying and all. I've already done it a couple times."

_No.  
__You're lying.  
Duo--  
Don't even fucking try it. I'm not letting you.  
I'm--  
Promise me you'll come back in one piece.  
...fine. Now leave me alone.  
No tricks.  
No tricks, Duo. It's just a hit and run._

He eyed me for a long minute, deep violet probing my mine for answers. He shook his head viciously, his chestnut braid bobbing behind him.

_If you die, I'm following you straight to hell, so help me.  
I would never let you do that.  
Shinigami can do whatever he damn well pleases._

And he was serious. Duo never lies. Ever.

I dropped the photo and started Zero's system, cursing every damn Doctor I had ever known. I am a mistake. They chose me for their damn tests, they warped my mind, they fucked me up and for what? So I could constantly rattle off about something so... insignificant? So I killed the father of a pretty little girl. I've killed children before. I've killed families.

Every god knows it, I've killed innocents.

When have I ever been innocent? When do I get the chance to be a virgin? When can I know what family feels like? Friendship? Love? Some perfect soldier. I'm a failure is what I am. I don't even have a real name. I have a code name. I have a mission. I have nothing.

_Damnit Yuy. Shut the hell up, or you really will SD._

"Shut up."

_You're such an asshole._

"Shut up."

_Baka._

"I said shut up."

_Oh did you? Go make yourself happy and kill someone. A little extra blood would hardly be noticed on hands like those._

"Shut the fuck up."

_Great vocabulary. All those languages and all that training for four little words. Just great._

I stopped myself before I could continue arguing with the voice in my head, seemingly aware of my own hysteria as I drove Zero back toward the safe house. It was actually getting worse, this sort of thinking had been going on for a long time. It actually started when I first met Relena. She reminds me someone. Another girl I killed.

That's really what this is all about, isn't it? For some reason you really can't get over the innocent ones. I guess Relena's innocent. I don't know. I really, honesty don't have a clue. I said I'd kill her. A part of me meant that. But then I saved her didn't I? Damn.

I'm beyond fucked up. I'm beyond anything even remotely fucked up. Am I supposed to be like this? Am I supposed to be repeating the same damn questions over and over again?

I need a break. I need... a break. A broken neck would do. One fine twist and I'll let myself wash away in that sickening numbness. Just kill me already. What the hell good am I?

Odin said to live by your emotions.

J trained me to ignore them.

Damn them.

I wonder if I'll keep this name after the war is over, if Heero Yuy is willing to give me his identity for one last round of shots before I take the big one. Funny, I'd say it like that. I've already come to terms with the fact that I could, indeed, survive this war. No matter the stubborn actions here, I might very well live. I don't want to live, not for the aftermath. I was born to violence and killing, that is my home and that is where I'll stay. I won't survive peace. I'd much rather die in battle.

But I don't have a choice in the matter. No one does, really.

I wonder what name I was born under. I don't remember anything about it. I've never really thought about it before, but curiosity has taken its toll on me, and considering my mental health at the moment, it's rather inevitable. What is my real name? Surely my mother--if I ever had one--named me at my birth?

A thought once came to me to name myself like Duo had. This wasn't too long ago, actually, it was sparked when I had learned a little about the mystery to Duo Maxwell and the source of that laughing mask. We were alone in the safe house, Quatre and Trowa were on a mission and Wufei was still alone in his own excursions.

I asked and Duo told. For a price.

"Grew up in the streets of L2," he had said. His voice was nonchalant, but I could've stabbed the tension on him with a knife, had there been a point. "Named myself Duo, I don't remember when, but I was Duo because I had been friends with another, and his name was Solo. It stuck like that." He paused and pulled out a golden cross from under his shirt. "Maxwell came from the church."

His gaze was fixed on me, eyeing me as if to judge my blood stained soul all over again. He had played a trump card. It didn't matter. My face was stone. "And you?"

"I don't have a name," letting out more than I had intended and cursing myself for it. Duo didn't react, merely sat, waiting for me to continue. I felt comfortable with him. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't hide from him. So I told him what I knew. "I didn't have a childhood, I don't remember anything passed Odin. I was a terrorist from the day I could walk." I mused on that for a minute before I let myself go on with it. "You already know about J."

Of course he did. The man practically shouted this sentiment from the rooftops. I am, after all, his damned perfect soldier.

"Will you keep it?" he had asked so suddenly. He meant my codename.

"I've nothing else to lose."

And isn't that the truth, if there ever was such a thing?

But yes, I think I would keep it after the war. I think I'd survive to do such a thing. After all, I have killed myself several times already, and still I live and breathe to tell about it. Am I suicidal? Maybe. Am I nuts? Of course. But I am not and never will be a fool. Names are things. Just things, nothing more.

_Ha! You're a thing, then. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?_

"Shut up."

_Silence is your own hell, Yuy. Don't even bother with the dramatics._

Great. And life goes on.

--_Fini_


End file.
